Stevi Jo’s Story: Love, Loss, Tears, and Joy. The Journey To Completing a Family
I’m not really sure where to begin with my birth story to be honest. It’s a complex story of love, loss, tears, and joy all while navigating the stresses of life on the move for my husband’s career. I guess I’ll start with our daughter, Brecken.
On June 5th, 2018 our world changed in the best way possible. We were parents to a beautiful, healthy baby girl. Looking back we both admit how naïve we were to infertility and loss. We never pictured this journey for us- and yet now I look back and think, why not us? Everyone has things they have to overcome in life and loss would eventually be a part of our story that we had to learn to navigate.
We got pregnant the first month of trying with our daughter, I had a fairly normal pregnancy, and I delivered at 40 weeks and 5 days after going into labor while on a boat ride. Life was great, as we knew it!
Fast forward to Spring of 2020 in the height of Covid we found out we were expecting again, a complete surprise to us. In fact, at the time I couldn’t even fathom being pregnant again because my anxiety was at an all-time high. I was struggling previously with postpartum depression and had finally felt like I had gotten back to myself when Covid hit, and it sent me spiraling again out of fear. (Looking back I bought into all the fear-mongering and essentially lost a few months of my life to unhealthy anxiety and fear. It’s so disappointing to me when I look back on it but I have learned greatly from it.) Our family had moved from MI to Nashville during this time and we were so happy to be close to my sister and parents as our family was growing. The timing of this move proved to be incredibly important I just didn’t know it yet.
At 16.5 weeks our world came crashing down. We lost our sweet baby boy unexpectedly. I went to the doctor for a routine check-up, already feeling flutters and kicks, to find out his heartbeat had stopped. To this day, it’s one of the most devastating, life-changing moments I’ve ever experienced. It shaped me in ways I never knew possible. I ended up being induced and had a vaginal birth that week. No one prepares you for what labor and delivery will feel like when you know you’re not going to be meeting your baby earthside alive and well; it’s nothing I wish for any parent to experience. But it’s our story, and we were allowed precious time with Reave, that I hold so close to my heart. Those moments following his delivery bonded my husband and me in ways that helped us to heal together in the months that followed.
A few months after losing Reave I had a moment driving in the car that I knew I was pregnant. I can’t explain it but I knew- and I told my husband I had to go confirm this pregnancy via ultrasound asap because this time around I was considered high risk. We found out we were expecting twins! I was terrified and elated all at the same time. We knew twins would be a challenge no doubt, but I felt like it was meant to be. Of course, there came many days of grieving Reave while also being so thankful to be carrying these babies. At 13 weeks my husband was moving again for his job, this time 16 hours away in Boston. Everything was trending perfectly with the twins and my doctor assured me that what happened with Reave wouldn’t happen again. Only it did- at 14 weeks, alone in the same room I was told we lost Reave, and I was told we lost both baby boys. I completely shut down this time around in the grieving process. I felt so disconnected from everything. If my sister and my parents hadn’t been around to pick up the pieces and help with my daughter Brecken I’m not sure what I would’ve done. Being close to my family during these losses was so imperative to my healing and I’m forever grateful for that.
I was devastated and angry. Angry at myself for even getting my hopes up that loss wouldn’t happen again, devastated I was alone and grieving; devastated to have to break our daughter’s heart again. At this point, I decided we wouldn’t try for a baby again, but rather use a surrogate or adopt if we ever wanted to grow our family. I began researching our options a few months after losing the twins when it felt like I could see us having more children. Did we adopt? Did we find a surrogate? I just knew I couldn’t carry another pregnancy. Or so I thought…
We went to MI on a weekend in August of 2021 to visit our friends and help my brother Troy and his wife Brooklynn move. When driving home I remember telling Jarred I felt like maybe we could start to try for another baby. Something had changed and it just felt right. I felt for the first time since our daughter was born that maybe my body could carry another pregnancy to term. Little did I know I was already pregnant, very very early pregnant. It’s funny how some things are just meant to be and I truly think that moment in the car was to allow me to be at peace when I found out I was pregnant, rather than fearful.
I am not sure how to explain this feeling I had during this pregnancy with our son, but I just knew I would meet this baby earth side; alive and well. I had such confidence that Reave and the twins would make sure this sweet little boy would make our family complete, and I was right. On April 13th, 2022 we met the sweetest boy, Tripp. He was hand-picked by Reave for our family, and he completed us all in ways we never knew we needed. He would end up being the wildest, busiest, happiest little boy! I wonder at times, what would Reave have been like? Would he have looked like Tripp, been as wild Tripp? I’ll never know… but I like to think Reave chose Tripp for us because he knew he was everything we needed and more.
I still talk to Reave and celebrate his day of delivery but now it’s with a thankful heart. Thankful for the experiences that led us to where we are. Thankful for the growth that I experienced during all the heartbreak. And most importantly, thankful for the 2 beautiful, healthy children we are so blessed to call ours. Brecken and Tripp are the light of our world and I’d walk the same journey with Jarred all over again to get to be their Mama.
What 3 words best describe birth for you?
This one is tricky for me. In the moment, I was scared, due to my past experiences with birth, but I also felt encouraged that this birth would be different. So while I don’t want to include a “negative” word for what birth is to me, if I’m being truly honest, scary comes to mind. But with that being said, I also felt powerful and capable. So I guess it’s important to know two things can be true at the same time. Scary, powerful, and inspiring.
What does being a mother mean to you?
Everything. I truly think being a mother and raising babies during this time, is such an honor. Some would say it’s a scary time to raise a family
but I think there’s so much power and beauty in raising strong children when the world wants to interfere. There is so much noise, so many distractions, pressures and influences in our world on a daily basis that I think it’s so important to really just BE there for our children. Show up- let them know how important they are, how loved they are and how much they’re wanted in your family.
How did you prepare for pregnancy and birth?
Preparing for birth this time around was vastly different for our family. Due to our previous pregnancy losses we kept this pregnancy very private. I felt content in our little bubble of love and privacy. It was almost like I was afraid to speak this pregnancy into existence for fear it would end in loss if I did. Obviously, I was visibly pregnant and people around us knew, but we never shared it ‘publicly’ on social media or anything. I did mentally prepare differently though, because I had to prepare my mind more than anything. I needed to find positive self-talk, positive affirmations, and a close group of support people who encouraged me throughout the duration of the pregnancy. I also relied heavily on my therapist who helped to keep my anxiety of previous pregnancy loss to a reasonable level of fear and concern. We also weren’t living in our home for this birth so lining up care for Brecken while we would be away at the hospital was something I didn’t have to do the first time. Thankfully my sister was on standby, able to fly out to NYC as soon as she got the call!
What tips or advice would you like to give other Michigan Mamas?
I never knew how powerful my affirmations could be with my first birth. With my son, they meant everything to me. It kept me focused and allowed me to feel prepared. Speaking positively to yourself both internally and verbally can be so impactful! Gather yourself a support system who supports your goals and wishes with birth and make sure they’re on board with your plan. Allow them to help be the calming voice you need when pain is high, pressures are on, and you’re feeling stressed. They’ll bring you back to your confident state of birthing and peace. And breathe, breathe, breathe!! You are capable!!
Do you have any postpartum advice for mothers?
Talk about it postpartum before your baby arrives. Know what to look for in yourself and have your partner and loved ones looking for anything concerning, too. My postpartum experiences were so different with my daughter and son and I am so thankful that we took the time to go over what that period would potentially look like for our family the second time around. My husband and I were on the same page and he knew what support I needed because I actually talked about it, rather than assuming he would know just know. Communication before and during the postpartum period is so important!!
What 3 words best describe motherhood for you?
Beautiful. Powerful. Life-changing.
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